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jesse [userpic]
by jesse (_effinsweet_)
at January 3rd, 2006 (09:35 pm)

Hey everyone..  I can't believe I haven't posted here seriously in forever and you all are still here.. I am very glad you are :)

Its safe to say that I haven't been posting because I have been feeling much better. I know, thats when I should post MORE.. but I think that's how human nature is.. "oh good I fixed it, I shall never speak or think about it again!"

I have come a very long way in my recovery, and in life in general. I was in total and complete isolation. I secretly wanted to reach out, but was terrified. Food was my comfort. My room was the only place I wanted to be. On my computer or watching tv. Everything my mother did, I took personally and I spent my days resenting her for the effed up ways that she lives. Some of it is still true, but I am happy to report that I am no longer co-dependent of a sick person,  I am slowly making progress with people (not relatives), and I got a job! So in a lot of ways, life is a thousand times better.

But tonight was..... different. I haven't been to my support group meeting in nearly a week, and having a hissy fit in the middle of a workout made me realize I needed to go. But something was different. I didn't feel the same as I have always been at every meeting. It didn't make me feel better. In the meeting, I shared this (about my workout) and when walking to our cars of some of the other members, they asked if it was at the gym and had a good laugh about it. I surely wasn't amused.

I really don't know where I'm at, where I'm going and why. I am very grateful to be working, but it's only half days, and I have absolutely no clue what to do with myself. All I do is come home, bored to death and do the same crap I've always done. Which is nothing! I have no hobbies. I have no "spark", no passion about anything. Without passion, we're all dead inside, which is how I'm feeling. Wish I had something inspiring to say, but I'm absolutely clueless. Sorry to be a downer.

Oh yeah happy new year and all that. :p