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by jessica lynn (jessicalynn30)
at March 4th, 2007 (06:47 am)

I haven't posted here in forever.. lets see if I have anything at 6:30am

The teachings of Buddhism and Zen got me on the path to recovery to where i am today; I have a connection with my Higher Power. I can't say life is perfect, but its a whole heck of a lot smoother. I am more comfortable in my own skin, I am highly capable of acceping myself and my life at where I am today. Overweight, unemployed, single with not a lot of contact with my friends. Oh and living with my still-suffering mother.

Before recovery, I couldn't sit still for 2 seconds without feeling anxious. I couldn't do anything I concidered fun and actually HAVE fun. I was always rushing from one place to another just trying to "kill time"; to get to point A to point B as quickly as possible. My favorite term for this was "anxious confusion" I pushed the right people away, and let the wrong people in. I had no respect for myself, so I consistantly allowed people to treat me like a doormat. I was obsessed with what I DIDN'T have. I had no idea I had things to be grateful for. I was obsessed with my weight, trying to look "perfect", being a people pleaser full of bitter resentments.

I have a list a mile long of character defects that my Higher Power has taken away; thanks to program's step 4 and 5. But since then, more keeps popping up, and I am grateful (instead of terrified) when they boil up to the surface. My latest removing-defect is fear; fear of the RIGHT people and letting the wrong people go to my Higher Power. It's been hard for a very long time for me to show affection (and MEAN it) and to show care and concern for another human being; someone I admire.

I do steps 6 & 7 on a consistant basis; as well at step 3. The best summarized version of steps 1, 2, & 3 in program is "I can't, he can (higher power) and I'll let him. It's scary, but as time progresses its as natural as breathing. My ego/pride lessens every day and it becomes easier and easier to want to let go of it. The way I was living before wasn't living, it was living in fear.

Yesterday I am happy to report that after a meeting, I shared everything that I have been working on, and by the end of it i felt free. I lead a day that I am proud of, I did things that I like, I made phone calls, I enjoyed a beautiful day. I had fun! Thanks to program!