I've subscribed to hazelden to receive a daily reading from their library of recovery books, and re-posting it daily in my journal. Feel free to add me if you would like to add a hazelden quote to your daily reading.Namaste
I caught the second half of American Public Media's radio program, Speaking of Faith, this morning and thought folks in this community would be interested.The program is called Burma Buddhism and Power and is described as:"A look inside the spiritual culture of Burma, exploring the meaning of monks taking to the streets there in September, the way in which religion and military rule are intertwined, and how Buddhism remains a force in and beyond the current crisis."It features an interview with Ingrid Jordt, "an assistant professor of Anthropology at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, former Buddhist nun, and author of Burma's Mass Lay Meditation Movement."I found her words about the bravery of the Buddhist monks, as well as her take on the need for compassion in confronting oppression, incredibly powerful and moving.Here's the website, which includes a link to hear the radio program as well as to hear the complete interview with Jordt (they couldn't fit the entire interview into the hour-long show):http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/programs/burma/index.shtmlCross-posted to:buddhistsbuddhists_fyadbuddhists_mzen_buddhistszen_recovery
This summer in Russia:
12_step_dc: For members of the 12 Step (or any other) recovery community in the Washington DC area. Also open to former DC area residents.
I haven't posted here in forever.. lets see if I have anything at 6:30amThe teachings of Buddhism and Zen got me on the path to recovery to where i am today; I have a connection with my Higher Power. I can't say life is perfect, but its a whole heck of a lot smoother. I am more comfortable in my own skin, I am highly capable of acceping myself and my life at where I am today. Overweight, unemployed, single with not a lot of contact with my friends. Oh and living with my still-suffering mother.Before recovery, I couldn't sit still for 2 seconds without feeling anxious. I couldn't do anything I concidered fun and actually HAVE fun. I was always rushing from one place to another just trying to "kill time"; to get to point A to point B as quickly as possible. My favorite term for this was "anxious confusion" I pushed the right people away, and let the wrong people in. I had no respect for myself, so I consistantly allowed people to treat me like a doormat. I was obsessed with what I DIDN'T have. I had no idea I had things to be grateful for. I was obsessed with my weight, trying to look "perfect", being a people pleaser full of bitter resentments.I have a list a mile long of character defects that my Higher Power has taken away; thanks to program's step 4 and 5. But since then, more keeps popping up, and I am grateful (instead of terrified) when they boil up to the surface. My latest removing-defect is fear; fear of the RIGHT people and letting the wrong people go to my Higher Power. It's been hard for a very long time for me to show affection (and MEAN it) and to show care and concern for another human being; someone I admire. I do steps 6 & 7 on a consistant basis; as well at step 3. The best summarized version of steps 1, 2, & 3 in program is "I can't, he can (higher power) and I'll let him. It's scary, but as time progresses its as natural as breathing. My ego/pride lessens every day and it becomes easier and easier to want to let go of it. The way I was living before wasn't living, it was living in fear.Yesterday I am happy to report that after a meeting, I shared everything that I have been working on, and by the end of it i felt free. I lead a day that I am proud of, I did things that I like, I made phone calls, I enjoyed a beautiful day. I had fun! Thanks to program!
thanks to being reminded of this community (i have so many ones i created and havent checked in months!!) I plan to start posting again. Oh so much to cover!!
Yay I am grateful to have joined this uplifting community. I am an addict in every regard and am shifting to zen.
Some quotes from my new favorite of-all-time books, "The Mastery of Love". If you look at any religious version of hell, it is the same as human society, the way we dream. hell is a place of suffering, a place of fear, a place of war and violence, a place of judgement and no justice, a place of punishment that never ends. There are humans versus humans in a jungle full of predators; humans full of judgement, blame, guilt, emotional poision -- envy, anger, hate, sadness, suffering. We create all these little demons in our mind because we have learned to dream hell in our own life.Each of us creates a personal dream for our own self, but the humans before us created a big outside dream, the dream of human society. The outside dream, or the dream of the planet, is the collective dream of billions of dreamers. The big dream includes all the rules of society, its laws, religions, different cultures, and ways to be. All of this information stored inside our mind is like a thousand voices talking to us at once.The real us is pure love; we are life. The real us has nothing to with the dream, but this keeps us from seeing what we really are. When you see the dream from this perspective, and if you have the awareness of what you are, you see the nonsense behavior of humans, and it becomes amusing. What for others is a big drama, for you becomes comedy. You can see humans suffering over something that is not important, that is not even real. But we have no choice. We are born in this society, grow up in this society and we learn to be like everyone else, playing nonsense all the time, competing with mere nonsense.
I was reading today, at the encouragement of my version of Frasier, and thankfully I came across something incredibly helpful.So much in my life, I've asked, why am I this way? Why am I that way? Why do I act or feel like this? And of course, I never have an answer, but reading this really put things in perspective.I was never left alone growing up. And I rarely am now. I always feel like every move I make, I'm being watched. Analyzed. It's not paranoia, its the truth. Every sigh, eye roll, smile, frown, was topic for discussion. When I was a kid, there were few times I felt comfortable enough to act like a kid. There was no encouragement to be silly, to have fun. My youngest memories involve the same things that still go on until this day. Cooking, cleaning, dishes, guilt trips, anger, self-pity, numbness, selfishness and rarely, yelling. Mostly, the silent treatment.I've spent most of my life in my room. Mostly because my mother has annoyed the living shit out of me, and I just couldn't stand to be around her. She is really convinced she is the center of the universe, and everyone MUST do her will. Trying to put myself in isolation didn't help the situation at all. There were no boundaries. Even to this day, if my door is closed she talks to me like i'm two feet away from her.When I was young, 9 or 10, and she was deep in her shit, I was pissed off, noone to vent to, no brothers or sisters, so I did what anyone would do, I wrote in a diary. I of course had colorful language, but what the hell, it made me feel better at the time. Well, she finds it. (that day.. or later.. I don't remember), and naturally she tells me she found it and makes me feel guilty. (Why is it so hard for me to journal honestly? Hmm. Could this be it?)I still can hardly tolerate to be alone. Not that I get lonely, but there are feelings of guilt. The "coulda shoulda wouldas". When I'm alone, I get bored. When I'm bored, I eat. and eat. and eat. Food was my mother, and I was my mother's mother. I was responsibile for everything right and wrong in the world. But I know thats off topic.I love and hate being alone. But then again, I don't feel like I can fully enjoy someones company. At least I have my question answered now.( i hope this helps you tooCollapse )
Hey everyone.. I can't believe I haven't posted here seriously in forever and you all are still here.. I am very glad you are :)Its safe to say that I haven't been posting because I have been feeling much better. I know, thats when I should post MORE.. but I think that's how human nature is.. "oh good I fixed it, I shall never speak or think about it again!"I have come a very long way in my recovery, and in life in general. I was in total and complete isolation. I secretly wanted to reach out, but was terrified. Food was my comfort. My room was the only place I wanted to be. On my computer or watching tv. Everything my mother did, I took personally and I spent my days resenting her for the effed up ways that she lives. Some of it is still true, but I am happy to report that I am no longer co-dependent of a sick person, I am slowly making progress with people (not relatives), and I got a job! So in a lot of ways, life is a thousand times better.But tonight was..... different. I haven't been to my support group meeting in nearly a week, and having a hissy fit in the middle of a workout made me realize I needed to go. But something was different. I didn't feel the same as I have always been at every meeting. It didn't make me feel better. In the meeting, I shared this (about my workout) and when walking to our cars of some of the other members, they asked if it was at the gym and had a good laugh about it. I surely wasn't amused.I really don't know where I'm at, where I'm going and why. I am very grateful to be working, but it's only half days, and I have absolutely no clue what to do with myself. All I do is come home, bored to death and do the same crap I've always done. Which is nothing! I have no hobbies. I have no "spark", no passion about anything. Without passion, we're all dead inside, which is how I'm feeling. Wish I had something inspiring to say, but I'm absolutely clueless. Sorry to be a downer.Oh yeah happy new year and all that. :p